We have chosen to focus on the question below for our weekly blog entry because of it's scope. It is our hope that readers will find answers within the dialogue that in some way addresses their struggles-their concerns-their issues.
Q: Could what and who a person was in their past affect that person's relationship in the present?
A: Writer, to effectively answer your question we would need to know what you are reflecting on: are you thinking about your own past or the past of your partner? Void this information we will give it a shot. As clinicians our first response to the writer is to help them understand human development and how each life experience helps to form the way humans see the world and learn to live within it.
Our early childhood/adolescent experiences, no matter how large or how small are essentially like individual building blocks (similar to the one's we play with as a child) that shape and inform our reality, thoughts, ideas responses, beliefs and expectations. Throughout life, each experience contributes to some degree (depending on how we process it) to the overall design of who we become as adults and how we interact with others..
Seek and you will find.
What we've often encountered are people who believe their issues are unique to them and their life. These people have the biggest struggle with opening themselves up to love and/or learning to love again. One of their biggest issues that impede growth in their intimate relationships is that MANY of them, are unwilling to READ. Yes we said it "they don't want to READ". They simply assume they have enough life experiences to handle any situation life blows their way. Well you DON'T!.
The great news is there's tons of literature available on every topic imaginable-the sad thing is many people aren't willing to take time to just READ it. In particular, those who aren't willing to seek out a therapist, counselor or knowledgeable expert, need to identify literature that addresses their circumstances. Additionally, while on their journey of discovery we encourage them to try not to complicate things by tying everything together by connecting all their painful feelings about life to one incident. You are not going to feel any relief unless you learn to focus on what is at hand and seek to understand it, accept it, and resolve that issue--you must learn to STOP connecting and overlaying all your bad feelings/thoughts onto every individual issue.
Where do I go from here?
You have to open yourself up to receive new information that may not resonate with your current beliefs; be willing to create new thoughts. People who are convinced they have all the answers often are the one's who don't travel, don't study other cultures, don't' meet new people, don't study religion- they have convinced themselves they have enough life experience and that's that. Contrary to their belief, at the very least EVERY adult should seek some degree of information about normal child/adolescent/adult development to help inform healthy decision making, and problem solving processes.
Reflecting on the initial question, if you too are pondering rather your past experiences (or those of your significant other) are impacting your current life situation, then our advise is that you continue to seek knowledge not affirmation. You've made a great start by joining the ask Johnson and Johnson Blog. Don't go just to the nearest friend or co-worker who likely has no more experience or knowledge than you, simply to gain validation on what you think you already know. You should allow new or, reoccurring life issues to become a motivator to learn, to grow, to move, to stretch out, to read, to experience others. Don't try to figure things out using only one source--your own circle of influence and/or limited body of information.
Readily available to support your journey are married groups, divorced groups and singles that have met, researched and published-not to mention those of us who have had our hearts broken and learned to love and trust again. Friends, whose experiences are likely as limited as your own, simply may not be able to help you--consider other options-Seek knowledge not Affirmation.
Find a pastors, counselors, therapists, older advisers who can say to you "this experience has been had both other people", You will survive it but it's not going to be easy" "Here's how it feels" and "Here's some tools you can use as you move forward toward success". Historically, before therapy and or counseling became more acceptable, as a culture, we would ask the advice of our seasoned, experienced elders, many still do. These people were to some extent neutral with a balanced perspective- offering seasoned (while not always educated) advice that helped to widen your perspective, deepen your understanding about life and what might lie ahead.They taught us how to bend with the winds of time and not break--how to take on the challenges and changes that the storms of life bring without being uprooted.
Many religions also advise you to seek knowledge...comb the earth to find out what the world is doing, then use it to look at your individual situation before making life-changing decisions. Taking this approach will help you realize you are not the only person whose been in love, had phenomenal sex, been cheated on, lost love and gotten back on the road to learn to love again.
Stop Hovering and Land the Plane
We often use the phrase "land the plane". By that we mean, come clean- get focused- stop hovering and get to down to work. Some things are easier said than done right? Well, we realize this. However, the road to successful relationships start with focusing on YOU.....work on yourself, dig deep into who you are, how you became that way and how you can grow and improve. In doing so you will see the change and ultimate impact on your relationships. Land the plane! Not everyone will be able to see the metaphorical landing strip when it appears before them. Unequipped to land on your own, it is up to those who have the skill and ability to see and predict the storms clouds ahead-- to be your air traffic controller of sorts- to help navigate you safely--all the while making no promises that you will avoid life changing turbulence.
Are you in a "hovering" mode?
Are you in denial about something?
Are you having difficulty with expectations & disappointment?
Are you questioning your life choices?
Are you simply existing-going through the motions without satisfaction?
Are you willing to accept change in others?
Do you have trust issues?
Have you let go?
Are you willing to let it go?
Patterns set the Path
What one feels may have little or nothing to do with what their partner is or, is not currently doing. On the contrary, your initial building blocks (exposures) has shaped you and how you understand behavior, respond to stimuli and engage in relationships.
EXAMPLES
If your mother was a mistress -you may not value marriage of fidelity
If your father was unfaithful-you may see men as players incapable of being faithful or change
If your parents presented a certain socially unacceptable or deviant behavior as normal- you may comfortably engage in unhealthy practices and uncomfortable with others who do not....get the point?
Take the woman who may have seen her father with woman after woman after woman-a continuous string of girlfriends. The reality is, this person may subconsciously start to believe that her father (her first love) represents "who all men are". Understanding her past experiences with the father as building blocks that shaped her understanding, beliefs, thoughts, expectations and behavior- might his person allow those experiences to imprint her current relationships. If you answered yes you are on your way to understanding.
To ask a person with this imprinted pattern to go against what she believes internally without a significant mind shift, is is like asking them to pretend. She will likely feel phony, pretentious, and unreal and constantly stressed out, by practicing someting that goes against her internal belief. It will be next to impossible for her to feel calm, loving and excepting of the issues that remind her of early childhood experiences with her father. Exposure to such things will act like triggers, causing her to exhibit a learned response to deeply embedded feelings of rejection, distrust and/or fear. However, each time she is submersed and surrounded by feelings of happiness she may feel start to feel uncomfortable afraid, accompanied by reoccurring negative thoughts and strong emotions.
Fear turns into doubt
Doubt tell her protect herself
Protection says you've felt this before "get out before you get hurt"
This circular internal conversation process can become very stress inducing. To alleviate the stress that will ultimately impact your ability to see things for what they are or objectively engage in calm discussions with your spouses without judgment. Skills you must learn are:
STOP
Arrest the negavtive thoughts
Take a quick inventory of what's happening around you
Compare the positive with the negatives
Know that you can not predict the future
Tell yourself these loving feelings are safe
Tell yourself you are going to see this relationship through
In closing, focus on the positive, stay in touch with good feelings, READ to increase your interpersonal skills, seek out those who can offer you expert/seasoned advice.
THE LIFE WE LEAD IS CREATED BY OUR THOUGHTS. IF WE WOULD LIKE TO IMPROVE OUR LIFE WE WILL HAVE TO IMPROVE OUR THOUGHTS.
We would like to say "Thank You" to those of you who are submitting your questions and have trusted us to give you honest, expert advice...Keep them coming!
Eric and Karen offer Family-Life Coaching/Counseling Services via email, and by phone. For information on scheduling a session and fees contact the Johnsons: ask@johnson-johnsoncfls.com or call 708-474-4791
Disclaimer: This Q and A site is not intended to diagnose or treat any specific issue(s). All information provided by Eric and Karen Johnson via AskJohnsonandJohnson.BlogSpot is general in nature
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