COMMUNICATION IS KEY! START EARLY

Learning How to Talk is Important. Knowing What to Talk about is Imperative. Most of us have heard about "The Ten Most Important Questions to Ask Before You Get Married" right. Well we would like to update the questions with culturally relevant information.We felt this list was missing an all important question so we decided to make it our Updated No. 1. 

1. What are your religious beliefs? Most religions encourage couples not to become"unequally yoked"(people who do not share the same religious philosophy, beliefs and/or practices).The truth is, many have and remain married til death do they pat. However, if your partner is unwilling to discuss their religious beliefs and practices or if they have any at all or if you are a believer and they are a non-believer who is dead set on convincing you that your God does not exist you should re-evaluate what your future walk through life might look like. This is not the "for butte or  worse" you read about nor an indication you will live "happily ever after".

1. Do you want to have children? Do you have children from  a previous relationship, what is your relationship like with the parent and the child(ren)?What is your parenting style/belief/practices?

It is a huge red flag in your relationship if you and your future spouse can not agree on whether to have children or not or discuss his/her relationship with the mother/father of the child(ren) and what your role will be as a step-parent. Making a decision to have a baby when one parent doesn't want to have children is not fair to the child or to your marriage. Not meeting and developing a healthy relationship with the (soon to be ) step child(ren) and their parent is also not a great way to begin a marriage.

Thinking that you can deal with these issue later in your marriage is a mistake.

2. Can we talk about money? The mechanics of how the two of you will handle your finances really isn't the issue. Many couples in successful marriages have separate checking accounts and many couples in successful marriages have one account.The issue is whether or not the two of you can calmly and practically talk about money. Please know,  if how your money is spent, or saved, or not spent, or rather or not your spouse thinks contributing to the marriage financially is an issue before you move in together or get married, it will be an even bigger issue after your wedding.
If your future spouse doesn't want to talk about money, doesn't think talking about money and/or how he/she will earn it is important, postpone your wedding until this issue is solved.

3. Can we talk about sex? Make no mistake, sex is a huge and important factor in marriage. Your intimate relationship is your marital bond, the glue that bonds you both together beyond words. There is no way of predicting the future when it comes to an individual's sexual libido. However, if the two of you are already having sexual issues, you shouldn't get married until the issues are settled. Differences in sexual frequency, desire, preferences, fantasies, masturbation, pornography, expectations, etc. will tear the two of you apart. If you and your partner are unable to talk openly about the issues, in detail without judgment, or your partner doesn't want to talk about sex with you AT ALL, postponing the wedding is a good idea.

4. How much time will we spend with our in-laws and friends? There is a lot to be said and appreciated about cultural groups who honor the bride and groom by giving them a "period of alone- time to bond. Your Inlaws and friends may be wonderful people who love you both, but the degree to which they are allowed to interfere in your marriage/relationship should be limited. If either one of you will not set boundaries with your own parents and friends when it comes to visits, moving in, phone calls, finances, children, etc., the problem with your in-laws and his/her friends will only worsen. Research shows Mother/Son enmeshment can play a huge role in marital discourse. Both of your should address this issue (with professional help if needed) before you move in together or get married.

5. Will you clean the toilet? If the answer is "no" or "why should I?" or "Isn't that your job?", you have several options.

• You can hire someone to do the chores that neither of you wants to do.
• You can accept that you will be doing 90% of the chores around the house.
• You can discuss the importance of sharing the household chores together.

If none of these options work out, call off the wedding. This is another one of those issues that won't suddenly get better after you sign the marriage license.

6. How/Where do you want to spend our days off and/or vacations? The answer to this question will reveal several things.

• How your future spouse likes to spend free time.
• The value your future spouse places on having fun together.
• Whether or not you will come first before work.

Balancing work and fun and family time and personal time is not easy.Without talking about the time aspect of your life together, you may find yourself fussing and very irritate because your spouse is spending what you consider to be too much time with old friends, extended family, playing video games, on hobbies, sports, the computer, etc.
Living a balanced life together will create the time you both need, individually and together, for vacations, quiet time, and fun time.

7. Do you drink or do drugs? How Often? Have you ever been prescribed medication? The answer to this question, or to questions about smoking cigarettes or using drugs, will reveal whether or not your future spouse has a potential addiction problem, ever been hospitalized, ore incarcerated which could end up not only threatening your marriage but could also put you in danger or legal and financial jeopardy

NO.8 SHOULD BE 2ND TO DISCUSSIONS ABOUT RELIGION 

8. Have you ever hit someone ?
If your future spouse has anger management issues, or tries to control who you see and what you do, or is causing you to walk on egg shells afraid to voice your opinion or engage in conversations about topics he or she does not want to discuss, cancel your wedding.
These are signs of an abusive personality. Don't think you can "save" him or her. You can't. This is a problem that needs professional counseling.

9. Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?
Some believe open marriage and swinging is okay for couples, but MOST want and prefer a monogamous relationship. If your future spouse and you have differing opinions on what cheating is or isn't, don't get married until this issue has been discussed.

10. What do you think we'll be doing in thirty or forty years? If your future spouse can't answer this or won't answer this, then the two of you need to talk about marriage expectations. Why marry someone who can't see growing old with you or doesn't think your marriage will last?

Eric and Karen offer Family-Life Coaching/Counseling Services via email, and by phone. For information on scheduling a session and fees contact the Johnsons: ask@johnson-johnsoncfls.com  or call 708-474-4791

Disclaimer: This Q and A site is not intended to diagnose or treat any specific issue(s). All information provided by Eric and Karen Johnson  via AskJohnsonandJohnson.BlogSpot is general in nature