TALKING 2 TEENS: A LEARNED BEHAVIOR

Practice Using Open-Ended Questions

I read a blog post the other day by a fellow Parenting tip Blogger ( Sue Blaney) on the practice of using Open Ended Questions when talking with teens. I thought about how often we as therapist use this technique and how important it is that parents learn how to integrate this way of talking into their discussion with teens.  In her discourse she asks parents to reflect on their natural tendency to "tell their children WHAT to do and HOW to solve their problems". 

If you are like many parents, you can absolutely relate to this. A great deal of your time as a mother/father is spend problem solving, particularly with teens. Although your goal as a parent may be to teach your child to think critically about their situation and to learn to make good choices, solving their problems for them decreases their chances of developing solution oriented skills needed an adult. Solving their problems for them will increases their since of dependency. After so many years of parenting in a way that may not get at your end goal, changing the way you manage and communicate with them may be difficult. To guide your child/ teen to find their own solutions is learned behavior...your learned behavior.

Q: Why do I want my teen to find his/her own solutions.
A: He/She will develop skills for diplomacy, creativity and communicating with adults if he/she addresses conflicts with teacher, coaches, peers himself/herself.

Q: What skill do I need to accomplish 
A: Practice using sentences that won’t be answered by a one-word response. The key lies in the quality of your questions. Here are some great examples: when helping your teen face an issue you might ask…

•    What do you want to happen here?
•    What are you planning to do about it?
•    How important is this to you?
•    What are your options here?

Remember, refrain from telling your teenager WHAT  to do and HOW to do it. By using open-ended questions they will feel validated, heard and respected. You will also find it easier to make suggestions, particularly if you disagree with what he/she is planning while keeping the primary responsibility in her court. Using your listening skills will be key to your success. This is called INTENTIONAL LISTENING. Do this well and you will find your teen will present you with numerous opportunities to guide and empower him/her: Adapted from Parenting Teens Info by  Karen Johnson