Why Can't I Simply Stop Arguing with my Significant Other: Overcome Learned Patterns of Behavior

We are all programmed by earlier exposures that shaped how we understand--how we behave--how we respond to stimuli and how we engage in relationships.

To illustrate this point one example I've used is:

Think of a woman who was parented by a father who made commitments and promises and for whatever reasons was frequently unable to live up to them: he might have said things like “trust me” or “I’m working on it” or “next time it will be better I promise?

Her response-emotion to his words and inability to keep his promises/commitments might have been disappointment, sadness, rejection etc…Her state of emotion becomes linked/programmed with her behavior. For example when she felt disappointment or rejection she may have became angry and/or combative, defensive or argumentative or when she experienced sadness she may have withdrawn (these are response behaviors).  This is what we call Learned Patterns of Behavior thru subconscious programming (patterns you learn/develop over time).

What happens is we become neurologically (within the brain) programmed with an emotional response  that elicits a behavior-response (response behavior) which are stored in the unconscious mind. Most people are unaware when these responses are being triggered. They are generally triggered unintentionally yes, even by your significant other.  The trigger can be something as simple as the choice of words he/she uses. Remember the words used by the father in the earlier example (“trust me” “Im working on it” or “I”ll do better next time” ) sound familiar?

Consider further how the daughter in the example was feeling when those word were being spoken (sad, dissapointed, rejected). Now remember how she learned to respond when she felt those emotions (anger, rage, combative, argumentive or withdrawal).

The question asked in this post is "why can't I simply stop arguing with my significant other"? Can you see now how simply stopping might not be so easy when you are unaware of why you react that way to begin with?

Don't be so harsh on yourself. A person with this type of imprinted pattern can change but it may take some time. Many of us have burdoned or trapped by sadness, anger anxiety or shame or other negative emotions. Although we consciously know that dwelling on these emotions does not really serve us well, we don't easily find our way out..

The key is to become aware of our emotions--learn how to interrupt/reprogram our unconsciously driven response to these emotions or it will be next to impossible for us to manage or change them

So what happens if I dont? You will likely hang on to negative behaviors like expressing emotions like disappointment through argument and angry outbursts- –Women who express themselves through consistant angry outburst often find that they have destroyed yet another  relationships they truly desired to keep.

So What can I do?We can learn to be more in charge of our emotions, so that we are able to NOTICE and VALUE them for what they are, without becoming overwhelmed and consumed by them.

It’s important that we learn skills that help us maintain calm loving feelings in situations that TYPICALLY trigger negative negative response-emotions and response-behaviors..it is possible.